Had enough of the colony today.
Well that’s not quite right, I just don’t belong here anymore. It looks familiar and I remember how it use to be, how it used to feel. But now the strangeness is back; something not quite right, something underhand, out of true, discordant with the day. In my walk to school I’m filmed from behind, (the audience see the doom but I pass through it) or there’s just a glimpse of me through the trees. It’s in the trees, it’s coming, then rustles and retreats as I crawl home. I know it’s there but I can’t see it watching me. I believe there’s no imminent danger, yet it drags down every footstep, every second of this minor chord existence, in this tumbleweed of detachment; this barren incomplete wandering.
I came home the adapted way over the fields to avoid the usual ephemera of people. I could see my breath for the first time in months. The sun rays bounced back off suburbia. Glistening normality and for a second the sky became the coastline and I found myself in a different county looking out to sea. The light changed and I dropped back into the landscape. I knew there would be no peace with the clouds today, no point in watching. Irrelevant invisible observer – with no impact today. Unravelled myself carelessly back to the Shell and slipped into disintegration.
Disoriented
ended up in places I shouldn’t be.
nothing fits, the sense of unease gnaws away
the desolation seeps in.
Today – I feel the burn of the ice, I’m a long way from the ocean.
Here I am…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWH_9VRWn8Y&feature=youtube_gdata_player
x
The Tao of Grief 
The video is so true…. something I read today that was very poignant for me:
“Yes, I have changed and will forever be changed because of his death … and the journey to healing is long. All of this I accept, but I will not, to the best of my ability, accept this pervasive darkness. It is here for a time … and there is more light than darkness. Even though at this time I struggle with this knowledge, I know it to be true.
It is up to me to find the light. It is not up to my friends, my family, other people going about their business, a therapist, the world … this task lies within me … no therapist, no friend, no other can “make me feel better”… this is a personal journey of rediscovery … of redefinition.
I need not do this alone, and to try to do so would be folly. There are those who can, and are willing to help. This cannot be “fixed” or “cured” … and it is up to me to seek these people out and to give to those who love me and who are trying…and to welcome their attempts knowing that they will be imperfect – as am I, as was he.” — In Shock”
Much love to you xxxx
Oh Emma x
That’s so true and so powerful.
Where does it comes from?
It does feel like we are all tethered together somehow, journeying as one and separately, simultaneously. There’s usually one of us with a little more strength to lift up each other or hold out a hand whenever it’s needed. It feels like some huge energy moving through time but not part of it. Each of us moving thru our own stories, looking out for each other while finding our own footholds.
Moving and seeking, inching ourselves towards light.
I needed your comment today.
Much love
J xxxxxxxxx